Jumanji: Welcome to the Garbage

Alexander Yagoda, Staff Writer


Release Date: December 20, 2017

Director: Jake Kasdan

Starring: Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson (Dr. Smolder Bravestone), Jack Black (Professor Sheldon Oberon), Kevin Hart (Mouse Finbar), Nick Jonas (Alex), Karen Gillan (Lara Croft)

MPAA Rating: PG-13

Our Rating: F-

The original “Jumanji” was a fantastic movie, probably a 9 out of 10, starring everyone’s favorite actor, Robin Williams, and other actors as well. The new “Jumanji,” which is somewhere between a sequel and a remake, was a 4 out of 10- it does not have Robin Williams or any of the other original actors. This simple fact strongly contributes to the movie lacking in many areas. For example, instead of Robin Williams playing a cool dad, The Rock (Dwayne Johnson) and Kevin Hart star as The Rock and Kevin Hart. It almost seems as if the roles were written specifically for the actors. Then there’s Jack Black, who actually seems to play his role instead of playing the usual dramatized version of himself, and Nick Jonas and Karen Gillan, who do nothing until Nick Jonas dies and Gillan has to give him CPR.

Kevin Hart shows how big of a failure the new “Jumanji” is.

“I used to think ‘Cars 2’ was the worst sequel ever made, but then I saw the new ‘Jumanji,’” sophomore Aleksander Aguilar said.

Then there’s the whole issue of the overemphasized “level progression” that constantly reminds the gentile viewers that the movie is actually in a video game, and not in a universe where “Jumanji” remakes are even remotely good. In addition, the villain is exactly the kind of villain you might expect from a crappy, off-brand Nintendo game from the 90’s. In fact, the whole video game theme was eerily reminiscent of the artistic masterpiece that was “Spy Kids 3-D: Game Over,” which, as the title implies, is a movie about the Spy Kids getting trapped in a video game. However, instead of George Clooney playing the roles of both the president and Sylvester Stallone at the same time, and Sylvester Stallone playing the ingeniously complex villain that literally has split personalities, this new “Jumanji” has Kevin Hart and The Rock, which at some point may have been enough for a good movie, but not anymore.

The Rock upon hearing he would be playing a nerdy teenager playing The Rock.

“I’m not sure why they decided to reboot ‘Jumanji’, but I hope they never do it again,” sophomore Ty Almeida said.

Why couldn’t the new “Jumanji” have Danny Trejo playing Machete? Why couldn’t Selena Gomez play an irrelevant character for a minute? Because this isn’t Spy Kids, and because we can’t perpetually live in 2003 and have movies be created by the Disney Channel; movies just aren’t good anymore (with some exceptions). Overall, “Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle” is a poorly written film that attempts to be carried on the backs of Kevin Hart and The Rock, but isn’t because they play characters that are also themselves. The movie poorly attempts to mimic the fantastic success of such movies like “Spy Kids 3” and “Jumanji.” This movie even shares some of the qualities that can be found in other disappointing sequels such as “Cars 2” and “Gremlins 2”; the one unifying characteristic is being wholly godawful.