Pop-Tarts have long held an uncontested niche in American snack and breakfast markets as the sole toaster pastry to have stood the test of time. Why Pop-Tarts, specifically, though? Toaster Strudels have been considered just as good in some respects, but no one would recognize it in a lineup. This is because General Mill’s patron saint of baking, the Pillsbury Doughboy, is slow to adapt to changes in the market. Kellogg’s Pop-Tarts, on the other hand, are down with the times, “lit,” if you will. Always ready with a new flavor, Pop-Tarts’ agile business plan enables them to stay ahead of the competition, albeit with some interesting flavors throughout the years. After all, there are only so many flavors you can put in a toaster pastry before getting desperate.

Bruised Banana

Our Rating: B+

There is no denying it; our country is divided. More and more often we see it in our schools, communities and even our homes. It leaves one to wonder, will it ever stop? Will our children grow up in an America where we are united despite all of our differences rather than shunned, mocked and discriminated against? I like to think, to hope, to dream that one day, I will be able to sit down at lunch, peel my slightly browned banana and eat the bruised part without facing the shocked, angry and disappointed faces of my peers who are disgusted at the thought of even eating the bruised part of the banana. However, what these bruised banana xenophobes fail to realize is that the bruising on a banana only makes it sweeter. Pop-Tarts, a hallmark of America’s culinary *patrimoine,* understands this and offers us a Bruised Banana flavored Pop-Tart. The pastry itself tastes like banana, as is expected, but what sets it apart from any other banana-flavored breakfast food is the rich, sweet taste of ripened banana that can only be extracted from the bruising. Yet, while the Pop Tart excels in taste, it lacks in presentation: the Pop-Tart would be far more appealing to the eyes if it simply had a drizzle of chocolate on top rather than a thick coating of frosting. Nevertheless, the Bruised Banana Pop-Tart is an excellent product and even carries the potential of forging peace across our nation between those who eat the bruised part of the banana and those who hate it.

Sparkly Pink Mace

Our Rating: A+

The Sparkly Pink Mace Pop-Tart is one of Pop-Tart’s most unique and inventive flavors to date. For starters, the visual appeal of the pastry itself is quite literally eye-catching seeing as the neon pink frosting is made from a special dye that can be spotted from a half-mile radius. In regards to the flavor itself, the Sparkly Pink Mace Pop-Tart is truly an experience for the palette. The first bite of the Pop-Tart tastes like the classic Strawberry flavor, sweet and mellow. However, after a few more bites, one begins to taste the pepper. The pepper flavor is strong and harsh in contrast with the initial strawberry, packing an impressive punch that can be felt in your nose. For this reason, I strongly advise those who try this Pop-Tart to not only proceed with caution but also have a glass of milk at the ready. And as if the powerful flavors of the Pop-Tart are not impressive enough, the Sparkly Pink Mace flavor has yet another surprising characteristic: when crushed up into a powder, the Pop-Tart dust can be used in lieu of mace. To best take advantage of this feature, I recommend you keep some of the dust in your pocket for easy access in the case of an emergency, Pocket Pop-Tart if you will. An experience for every single one of the senses, the Sparkly Pink Mace Pop Tart is a must-try.

NY Style Sewer Rat

Our Rating: F

As much as anyone can try, there really isn’t much anyone can do for the benefit of this particular flavor of Pop-Tart. Sewer rats will always smell and taste like sewer rats, and good luck to anyone that has had the misfortune of popping this in the toaster, as anyone who has smelled it can attest to the revolting nature of dead rats that have rotted in the summer sun or, in this case, a toaster. Allegedly made by flattening and breading live sewer rats, this short-lived flavor was single-handedly responsible for the resurgence of measles in 2018. Truly a revolting flavor, both in taste and its societal impact, the world should be glad that this flavor of Pop-Tart has gone missing from many store shelves.

Citronella Candle

Our Rating: A+++++

Needing absolutely no introduction, this flavor is more than just near and dear to me, it has come to symbolize the entirety of my writing career. Smelling like a breath of fresh air, this absolute beauty repels both mosquitoes and liberals. Ignoring the bitter aftertaste, this flavor is the optimal mix of sweet, savory and poison that every other flavor of any food could ever aspire to be. Need to go to sleep? Let the sweet scent of citronella send you off. Need a break from the stresses of life? Look no further than this repackaged and scented dough pocket of rat poison. Best consumed in small doses, the overwhelming flavor of this Pop-Tart is too much for mortal men. That, and its waxy, toxic filling base.

All in all, Pop-Tarts is truly leading the way when it comes to developing new flavors to attract new consumers and please longtime fans. These flavors are only testaments to the versatility of the classic toaster pastry and how a little imagination can elevate breakfast to new heights.